Saturday, November 02, 2002

Struggling With My Conscience

For those who know me, they know that I have not always been this way. I may come across as a disrespectful rich ass kid. Rich I am far from, but disrespectful to my parent, yes. But I feel I am justified.

Should I try to make things better? Would it be worth it? Should I make one person's life better if I can? Eventhough this person put me through living hell? And still is.

A question to the self: "Would I be able to live with myself after he dies?" He has said that it's only a matter of time before he commits suicide and I just roll my eyes. Because just like everything else he says, it's a crock. When it happens it happens. That's the only way to take his word. What if one day, it happens? Would there have been anything I could have done to stop it? He dug this hole for himself. Fuck. There's nothing I can do about it.

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

Homecoming

I am going home. Home is such a relative word. I been in three states in the past 1.5 months, never staying long enough in one area to accomplish anything. I have two job interviews coming up, which I am going to cancel.

When I was kicked out from home, I was under the assumption that my little brother would be taken care of. After all, my father is alive, had $160K in cash to "figure things out", a five bedroom house, and five cars in the driveway. May I point out, I walked out of the house with one suitcase and $30K college debt. My father gave me nothing, only because I told him how it was. I had been holding it all in, and one day it all erupted. Everyone around me says I did the right thing. If you keep it all in, it will kill you. Because I told him the truth, I was the black sheep in the "family" now.

So now my father claims he cannot take care of my little brother. Because he does not listen to anything my father says. A tip on parenting: "You abandon your child when he most needed you. You will pay the price." And he knew this too. But instead of trying to understand where the kid is coming from, it seems like my little brother is up for auction.

So I strike a deal with my dad. He gives me $10K to start. And that's it. We hear from him no more. Whether we make it or not, it is no concern of his. We pointed that this would be a bargain because you cannot put a dollar value on raising an 11 year-old. Yeah, I am happy that I get to be with my little brother. Because I regret leaving home and letting my brother live with my pyscho father and his whore.

A note to lovers out there: If you going to ruin a perfect family because of a purely sexual relationship. Buy some life insurance on yourself. Leave it to your children. Keep it for at least two years. Then kill yourself. And if you do not agree with this. FUCK YOU.

To my mother, things are going to be okay, we are going to be together, may you rest peacefully.

Friday, July 26, 2002

In Trouble with the Bar

Riddle: What kind of lawyer would leave the country in the middle of a messy case and violate the code of ethics too?!
Answer: A stupid Korean lawyer who should probably do our nation a grand favor by staying in Korea.

Looks like your 120K+ education has not paid off Mr. Ahn. You suck.

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

Destiny

Ha. I was scheduled for an interview today, but I cancelled. Can you believe that? I had an INTERVIEW and I CANCELLED. For no particular reason. I'm not saying that I don't need a job. I need one bad. And I'm pretty flexible. I can be a financial advisor, work in a lab, be an analyst. I would really like to be an IT analyst. I didn't graduate with an MIS degree but I took all the classes required of MIS majors and did better than most of the kids in the MIS program. I'm telling you I knew more than 95% of the kids in those classes. And I even skipped the pre-reqs for the MIS classes. A stupid intro to MIS class. I thought the instructor was going to kick me out on the first day of VB class, but he didn't say anything. All the classes were so easy. And I got stuck with most of the work anyways, cause people in the business school, at least the ones I dealt with, were plain lazy.

I had a grad student in one of my groups who didn't know how to use access or VB. When he said he knew VB, it meant, "I have read books on it, but no hands on programming." So contribution, zero. My other groupmate a super senior, who just wanted to graduate. And then there was me. The over achiever who was taking this class "for fun." People would look at me as if I had two heads when I would tell them I wasn't a MIS major. "Then why are you taking these classes?" Uh. "Because they're an easy A." No, of course I didn't say that. Something along the lines of, "I am interested in MIS and I have lots of electives left, so here I am!" So fake.

Back on topic. So I turned down this interview. I called, said thank you, and that I would not need to reschedule cause I found another job. A lie. I don't know. I just didn't feel like going to the interview. I'm sure I would have liked the work. I'm an amiable person. But there was a part of me that said, "No Azura, this one isn't for you."

And behold, on the day I cancel my first ever interview, I get another phone call from a different employer. A totally different kind of work. I told you, I am kind of a jack of all trades. But then I think everyone is in his or her own way. Is this the job that I had been speaking of this morning when i cancelled? Creepy.

Monday, July 22, 2002

LIFE SUCKS

Friday, July 19, 2002

Good to the Last Drop

"Now, you don't want to burn all your bridges. Just tell your father that you've been through alot and that you think that some time apart would be good for everyone," said my dear neighbor.

I nodded my head. But of course with me, there always is a "but." There were no bridges to burn because there never any bridges that connected my relationship with my father. Why, you may ask? Because the close web that I had sown with my family was one that was based on deception, which in the end, did not produce the sturdy silk that is required for a strong web.

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Hide

It is so sad. Why do I have to hide from my own father? I was informed that he would be coming tomorrow. So this means I have to disappear, again. If I keep on disappearing, what am I to become?
KIT

"And she vanished, like smoke."

And I did. I just left, telling one person where I am going. And telling that person not to tell anyone else where I am going. Why? I don't know why. I just didn't want anyone to know.

Was it a mutual agreement? It was a sinister plot that only pyschopaths could conjure. It was a mind game between the Devil and I. But the words came out of his mouth, "Leave as soon as possible." So that I did. Within a week I boxed up everything, moved everything out of my house. Taking two suitcases, my debt from college, two thousand in cash, and a round-trip ticket because it was cheaper than buying a one way. I left everything that I knew. I left my friends, and what little remains of my family. Vanished...like smoke.

I have this habit, when I get depressed, of deleting my AIM. Then, I get a new one and slowly contact my friends. I realize that it is not my friends who do not keep in touch with me. But rather, it is I who shuns them. They offer a helping hand. I reject. They call out of concern. I do not return their calls.

If I am not going to let anyone help me, then what are the chances that they are going to turn to me when they need help? This is what hurts. The fear that I will be a memory to my friends. Anyways, what help can I be to my friends if I cannot even help myself.

Little do they know that I think about each and every one of them all the time. Because I am grateful for all the good memories. Sometimes it was just an email to say hi, a letter in the mail, a coffee break. Things that would seem otherwise insignificant, were and still are significant to me. I think of all the people who have helped me along the way and my head starts spinning. How will I ever repay these people?

I hate myself for feeling that I have to just throw away everything.

I didn't quite plan things this way. I got the surprise of a lifetime last year. And it was then that was made clear to me, RIGHT and WRONG, GOOD and BAD. It has scarred me for life. Never will I be able to trust anyone.

It's scary to think you lived with a pyschopath, only you didn't know until it all revealed itself in the worst case scenario.

To JG. I apologize.